evolution

I was absolutely sure today would be sunny. So sure that I wore shorts--me! In shorts! It did get warm enough for people not to stare at my clothing choice like I was a complete idiot, but just a few minutes ago, it started raining. Not just raining, raining.

And then the sky started to growl.

I love thunderstorms. They're probably my favorite part of summer. Well, that and the raspberries.

I'm feeling a bit like the weather today. In transition. A few things that I thought either were or weren't important to me have been proving... different. I guess you never really know what's going to mean something to you. For instance, I thought I was over band. Sure, it's cool learning how to play an instrument, but the class can get stressful and tiring. But now? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

rapid fire

I. Am. Excited.

Know why? Because I am a teenager. I am 16 years old, and basically everything that happens to me has the ability to be a life-changing, earth-shattering, re-write-the-beating-of-my-heart experience. For example: prom.

Prom is one of those things, like grad or cosmic bowling (no? That one's just me?) that either make you excited, or make you pretend not to be. This year isn't technically my prom, just a year-end dance. I have the dress, the shoes, and plans for a big bonfire afterward. Sometimes I feel... like I am too much for my body to contain. I'm like a ball of energy and excitement. Like some dying galaxy that is collapsing in on itself, radiating heat and light and anger and love.

And sometimes, like now, I just want to quietly implode.

guess who's back

Hey guys!

So, um, I'm back. Yeah.

Sorry, let's try that one more time with a bit more hootzpuh: I'M BACK OH MY GOODNESS HEY!

All this time away has made me realize a couple things. For instance, if something doesn't make you happy, why keep it in your life? I know that's all lame and motivational-speaker-y, but really, why spend all your time on stuff that doesn't make you smile? For instance, right now I'm sitting on my couch, drinking a glass of water and typing this. Everything about this makes me feel A-okay.

Moving on... My grandparents are visiting this weekend. It's my brother's prom, followed by grad, which is crazy. He's going through all these life-affirming experiences, and here's me, still wearing a winter coat in May. I feel like I'm totally left behind.

I've also recently gotten into the habit of logging in on facebook, then just refreshing my home page every few minutes to see if anything interesting has happened. Nothing. Ever. Has.

Anyways, anyways, anyways. Maybe tomorrow I'll wear some shorts.

I'll miss you

Tomorrow, at the ungodly hour of 5 AM, I will be hopping on a soon-to-be smelly and disgusting hockey bus and beginning the seventeen hour drive to Music Fest Canada. Forgive me if my excitement is a little too palpable.

I get to spend my bus time with a bunch of people that I like, though. And despite the close quarters, icky food and lack of air conditioning, the bus ride is always one of my favorite parts of the band trip. So I'll see you in a week, dearest blog. Wish me luck :)

"Draw a crazy picture,
Write a nutty poem,
Sing a mumble-gumble song,
Whistle through your comb.
Do a loony-goony dance
'Cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world
That ain't been there before."

-Shel Silverstein

nowhere girl

I want to travel after I graduate. I want to visit all the continents and see new places and experience new cultures. But I like having my little nest--I like routine and I like having all my stuff and a place I'm used to. I love planning trips, though. Planning trips is like making to do lists. It all seems so brilliant and magical until you're actually there, actually doing everything. Sure, "visit open air market in Havana" might sound absolutely amazing, but when you're there, caked with sweat and stressed out from haggling or not-haggling over prices, it's a totally different experience.

It's... more real.

I think that's what makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy living this quiet, fictional life where everything is just so, and things happen according to the plot arc--but when things start to be really, well, real, you're completely vulnerable. And that can be a terrifying, incredible, wonderful thing.

I get so anxious over little and big things. It just comes naturally for me to over analyze and rethink everything. But reality isn't something you can pause while you work things out on the side.

Some days I don't feel like I'll find my fit anywhere. If I stay some place that I'm comfortable, I'll feel like I'm missing out. If I'm constantly on the move, I'll be in a constant state of mild-freaking-out. Maybe I'm just a nowhere girl.

In case you're wondering why I'm writing this, I'm going to be away next week on a band trip. Nowhere overly exotic (we're going to Vancouver, BC), but still a nice change. We're leaving Monday, hideously early in the morning, so I really need to start packing. Since I'm going to be one a bus for almost two days straight, I really need something to read. Something gripping enough to keep me interested even in the worst state of bus-blah, but not too heavy or thick.

Any book suggestions?

quote of the week

Lately I've been collecting quotes and sayings that inspire me or make me feel something... new. Powerful. Heart-pounding. At the bookstore I work at I get to choose a weekly quote to display, and I think I'm going to do the same thing here.

Quote! Of! The! Week!

"I want to see thirst
In the syllables,
Tough fire
In the sound;
Feel through the dark
For the scream."

—Pablo Neruda

pass

I think it's easiest to live in the past. In the present, it's all about what's happening right now. The decisions you make affect your life and everyone around you. And every moment you aren't taking advantage of is gone.

The future isn't too much better. It seems vast and full of possibilities, but the more you try to focus on those possibilities or what they could mean, the more suffocating the vastness can be.

The past is comforting. The past is nostalgic, sepia-toned, and tattered around the edges. It's already been edited by your mind into something ever so slightly different. I like to spend a lot of time in the past. So, to indulge myself, here are a few pictures from my family's past:

tickled pink

If, for some reason, I can't make a living out of writing (because even though I'm only 16 I regularly think about these things), I would love to be an interior designer. I get excited when I think about picking out paint colors, sewing accent pillows and accessorizing a bookshelf. My latest decorating obsession: pink.

I've never had a pink room. I was never a "girly girl" and, more importantly, my bedroom was always too messy to even see the walls (okay, minor exaggeration, but as for the floor? Practically nonexistent). My current bedroom has been yellow for just over two years, and I think it's time for a change. A bright pink sparkly change! Or something a little more sophisticated and calm--something pale pink and French looking. Whatever shade it is, I can't stop thinking pink:

band jokes

I've been playing the trumpet for almost five years. I love taking a deep breath, putting the cool metal to my lips, and making some noise. For the love of all things noisy, band-related and at least slightly musical, here are some bad-but-good band jokes for you:

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How many euphonium players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What the heck is a euphonium?

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

Q: What's the difference between a basoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trumpet and doesn't.

Q: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A: Because they always ran around screaming, "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

What about you--do you play any instruments? Were you ever in a band, concert or otherwise?

to be read

TBR. Those three letters that send a swirling vortex of emotions howling through the very pit of my stomach. Wow, sorry that was such a poor analogy.

Working at a bookstore is fun, really, it is. But the ratio of time spent reading compared to time spent actually working is pretty shocking. Toss in the fact that I get a discount on books, and my To Be Read pile can pretty much be seen from space (I kid you not. NASA has sent me many threatening letters saying I'm blocking their view of North America).

Don't believe me? Take a look:

On the one hand, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. It's not like I have to read all these books. But I want to! This particular collection (and yes, that is a pink hippo sitting on my bed. Say hi to Milk) consists of all the books that were sitting on my bookshelf that I haven't read, and am actually going to make an effort to read.

Guess what guys? While you may note that there are mostly YA books sitting on my bed (lounging, really), there are actually twelve non-YA books (either Adult Fiction or Biography). TWELVE. I think this is a sign. My taste in books is slowly growing up, even if I'm not.

These are the books I bought on my last Book Buying Binge (these things happen). A couple new releases and a couple books I've either been too lazy or too broke to buy previously. I'm currently reading Need by Carrie Jones, and the The Return: Nightfall, a Vampire Diaries novel by LJ Smith. Notice a trend? Yup, I don't think I'll ever get sick of Paranormal or Urban Fantasy. Although it my bed could be a little more comfortable...

the vampire diaries (or, how many times can you kill a character?)

(Contains spoilers of the Vampire Diaries book series--run and hide if you don't want to know!)

A couple weeks ago, I had this crazy idea to try reading the Vampire Diaries. One of my friends has been pushing it on me for a while, and the TV show (or at least the actors) is pretty good. So I got book one from the library. And now I'm halfway through the third volume.

I think the first book was my favorite--the writing itself wasn't anything overly special, but after only a few sentences I would have a total mental image of what I was reading. But with vampires, the whole I want to be with you forever, kill me and drink my blood and make me like you! topic inevitably comes up.

I think death has a special place in YA and fiction in general. I know a lot of people have complained about the lack of parents in YA. I personally don't mind, but I think that death has to affect your characters in a way that almost nothing else can. I've also read a lot of blog posts and articles that explicitly say you can't kill your characters at the beginning of the book. It just doesn't work.

When your characters die, they become something else--something that readers don't connect with nearly as much. This is true for me, anyways. In the vampire diaries, Elena (the MC) not only dies and becomes a vampire--she dies again, this time for good. But then she comes back as a child-like spirit thing. And then she turns into her old, human self.

Is your head spinning, too?

Not only is confusing to keep all the characters and their states of life-or-death straight, it makes it really difficult to connect to Elena when her personality keeps changing. To me, death in fiction is like the ultimate plot twist. It should be used only when absolutely necessary, it should affect everyone else to the very core of their being, and, once death happens, you can't back out of it.